They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
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I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
I can also cook 😂
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance