Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
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If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Meow
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.