“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
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If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…