They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
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Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Twitter is the new flypaper.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him