They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
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[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi