They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
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doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
good work, detective
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Breaking news:
Interior design 👌
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?