They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
So the ex texted me
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.