They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
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Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
my astrological sign is a french fry