They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
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Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.