Brother?
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My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.