Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
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In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”