They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
You Might Also Like
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?