@mommajessiec: They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
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@LauraBenanti: I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I'm hiding in the bathroom.
@TheTweetOfGod: If "the word impossible is not in your vocabulary", you have a pretty limited vocabulary.
@KevinBuffalo: *placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn Neighbor: "Confused about who to vote for?" Me: "What? No! I'm making a Halloween haunted house."
@thtchicmichelle: Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven't heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he's okay.