They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
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Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.