@envydatropic: They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that's why I surround myself with lazy people
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@shadygrenade: Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right? Guy in front row: that's a ham. Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
@chris_isloi: The reason your car won't go over 60 in the city is because you haven't yelled "HOLD ON!" yet.
@skylerhanrath: *training the dog to sit* Me: So you're already low to the ground, but you must get lower.