@envydatropic: They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that's why I surround myself with lazy people
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@OfficeLinebcker: A: Just had to explain the difference between "mute" and "moot" to a younger co-worker. Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
@JohnLyonTweets: Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter. Me: This isn’t going to work out.
@Underchilde: You think you’re not capable of violence, but then a bird sings at 6AM and you start researching surface-to-air missiles.
@Leave_the_candy: i love the term “partners” are we dating? are we robbing a bank? do we run a legal firm? Who knows man