They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
You Might Also Like
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.