They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
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Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
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Me: Same.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
You look like you would fail a DNA test
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Cause of death: Zumba
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly