They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
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*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.