“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
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My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Put the is in disheveled
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.