I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
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“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk