They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
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[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
repaired
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”