Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
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Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Bring back the McRib
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?