They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
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People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
I’ve had relationships like this