They say women only use 10% of their anger
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INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
i can’t wait that long
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?