They say women only use 10% of their anger
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hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Golf would be better with landmines.