@1Happytwit: They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn't mean to eat it. I don't want to be a bug.
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@DaddyJew: Legend has it that if you don't look a coworker in the eye they won't stop to tell you about their weekend.
@Reverend_Scott: [firing squad] Any last requests? "Here's my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?" Yes. *listens* Oh man that's FIRE *gunshots*
@Carbosly: Baby showers are so weird. It's like "hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system".