They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
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Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it