They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
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[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Boom, boom, ching!
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Morning my dudes.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie