They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
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Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
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Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?