They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
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Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
A small tragedy.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.