@turdfailure: They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
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@UnFitz: Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas... Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world. Her: Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
@kcmoore51: [sanitation worker knocks at my door] The amount of McDonald's related trash we're collecting from your home each week has us concerned.