@turdfailure: They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
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@noog: You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
@ryaninco: The neighbors yard smells like weed. I'm glad those seeds I threw over the fence are starting to grow.
@ericsshadow: [wearing a 'World's Greatest Dad' t-shirt while talking to the bartender] "The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8."
@FudgeRobot: Sometimes when I'm about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I'm a wizard.