They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
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pls suprot
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around