They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
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[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Probably my best painting.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.