They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
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Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
cyclists
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic