My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
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Liquor Store Parking
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.