@prodigalsam: They should give the girls who don't get a rose on The Bachelor a cat.
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@bananagrvyrd: Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
@baeblacksheep: If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you'll be if you're breaking a chair on someone's head every day.
@UNTRESOR: If you see a guy in an executioner's hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
@SuperJuanderer: [cats on a date in a fancy restaurant] Male: I can't decide if I want tuna or the salmon. Female: *Slowly pushes pepper shaker off table