What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
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wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda