@prodigalsam: They should give the girls who don't get a rose on The Bachelor a cat.
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@pinkmoon_33: 3 out of 4 voices in my head want to sleep. The other wants to know if penguins have knees.
@BeardedSteel: *stealthily lowers myself from the ceiling into co-worker's office *sprays breath freshener into his mouth before the meeting *retracts
@XplodingUnicorn: How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.” 3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
@jessokfine: [Sexting] "So, what are you wearing?" A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.