@_Shizzle: They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".
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@kyry5: [God creating the stingray] Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought "what if I made my bathmat a murderer?"
@anylaurie16: 7 yo son asked how Grandpa got lung cancer. I said, "Well, he quit a long time ago, but for many many years, Grandpa played Minecraft."
@SwoonTwang: If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I'd have 27 dollars and 15 cents.
@BubblesnBooze: I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you'll never know.