A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
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I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
A French press is when you hug naked
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.