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Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
If you had more money you’d be happier.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
“HELP WITH CAT”
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.