@MariyaAlexander: They should just report when there WASN'T a shooting in Florida at this point
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@MaraWritesStuff: *Weather changes* BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack. *Anything else changes* MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
@PS_IRuddYou: This girl text me: "your adorable I text back: no YOU'RE adorable Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo...
@Carbosly: I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal. It's cheese, dude. We'll be here a while.
@ArfMeasures: [After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding] ME: Well that sure impressed them! WIFE [gasping for breath] You're getting heavier