They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
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Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Any time a child tries to guess my age.