They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
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Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
termite twitter scares me
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
How all things should be taught/explained.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”