They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
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so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Practicing safe sax
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
My beach vacation Google searches
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.