They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
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Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones