@Rachelnoise: They should make an alarm clock that plays the sound of my dog about to throw up.
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@iscoff: Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It's always the same angel. It's covered in wings now and wants to die but can't
@Kim_pulsive: I'd rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
@BaileyXPaige: [at the gym] Trainer: "Why don't you tell me what your workout goals are." Me: "Goals? I'm just here so I don't eat for an hour."