“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
You Might Also Like
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
I have so many questions.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.