@Rachelnoise: They should make an alarm clock that plays the sound of my dog about to throw up.
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@KelgoreTrout: i named my first son "christian" and i named his twin brother "born-again christian"
@ArfMeasures: THERAPIST: Ever had a job? ME: I once worked at a zoo T: Great! & what did you take from that? ME: Definitely not a penguin T: What M: What
@weinerdog4life: No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat! *throws cat at Kinko's employee
@biscuitahoy: When you look at Twitter's trending topics, it's a lot easier to understand why they have to write "Do Not Eat" on silica gel packets.