But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
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*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.