They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
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My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
New tinder profile pic
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
This was my dad’s browser history.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?