They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
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Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.