@owlbacon: They should make realistic pregnancy test commercials. 2 best friends in a bathroom praying for a neg & celebrating w a shot & a happy dance
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@Home_Halfway: "State your name" Ted Cruz "Where are you from?" Texas "Your wife's name" Heidi "Your first zodiac murder" 1968 "Thank you" You're welc-WAIT
@shkeeber: 1. Dial random number. 2. Wait for answering machine. 3. Say "My wife is out of town, I miss you". 4. Hang up. 5. Happy Valentine's Day.
@InternetHippo: murderer: line up single file so I can murder you in the most efficient way me to the guy in line behind me: I like that he's a businessman
@batkaren: I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I'm breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries