@owlbacon: They should make realistic pregnancy test commercials. 2 best friends in a bathroom praying for a neg & celebrating w a shot & a happy dance
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@UncleDuke1969: *climbs into windowless van* *puts on "Free Hugs" t-shirt* *heads out to make new friends* *fails* *waits for lawyer in windowless room*
@emmatheist: Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
@KalvinMacleod: CAT 911: what’s the emergency? CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall CAT 911: you mean a window? CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
@UnFitz: Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.