@owlbacon: They should make realistic pregnancy test commercials. 2 best friends in a bathroom praying for a neg & celebrating w a shot & a happy dance
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@WilliamAder: Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
@stephenjmolloy: Doctor: "The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions." Me: "Okay, I'm ready." Doctor: "You're not a cat."
@cat_whisperer_: Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
@Jake_Vig: My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.