professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
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My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
My inexpensive home security system…
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”