They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
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If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts