They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
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satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine