They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
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I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
If snakes were wide
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”