They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
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*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you