They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
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To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
*bites zombie*
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
The USS B port
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.