@shariv67: They should really replace, "I now pronounce you man and wife" with "FINISH HIM!!"
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@seamussaid: Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
@One_FineMess: 4yo: What happened to the fish? Me: It drowned. 4yo: ... Me: ... 4yo: ... Me: ... 4yo: Must have been a really stupid fish.
@tastefactory: [robbers outside bank] When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks "But can't u feel your pores really opening up?"
@jergarl: My 8yo blows up a balloon 37 times, then asks me to try and all I hear is "DADDY PUT YOUR MOUTH ON THIS RUBBER SACK OF MOIST WARM AIR"