They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
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When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.